How to Talk to Your Kids When Big, Heavy Shit Is Happening (And How to Take Action That Matters)

Motherhood & BusinessActivism & Current Events
Written By Kim DiFillippo

Originally aired on the Both/And Motherhood Podcast

Prefer to listen? Press play above, or listen on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever your fave player is.

Wanna read it instead? Keep scrolling.

If You Need Immediate Guidance, Here’s the TL;DR version:

For your nervous system:

  • Limit news consumption to 1-2 times/day from trusted sources (I like NPR over social media, for example)

  • Take a break from social media

  • Make sure you're drinking water, sleeping when you can, and most importantly talking to someone who can hold space for you

Take action (pick ONE to start):

Talking to your kids:

Still need to pay your bills but unsure how to keep showing up for your business? That's valid. Jump to business strategies ↓

Want the full breakdown? Keep reading.

A Quick Personal Life Update

Hi friends. It's been a hot minute since I recorded an episode, and I'll probably come back next week—or honestly, whenever capacity allows—with more of an update on everything.

The short version? I'm still adjusting capacity and figuring out what makes the most sense for me and my family in this season. Still working on rebuilding—at 42 years old—after divorce. Things are going in the right direction. It's just slow when your whole life implodes and you're rebuilding from scratch.

But we're here. The kids and I are well. We also just got out of a month of pneumonia going through our house—today is the first day in over a month that both kids have been at school. It's been rough.

And the reason I felt inspired to record this today and get it out as soon as possible is because we need to talk about what is going on in the country, how it affects you as a mother and how you show up, and what you can do when things like this happen.

Side note…If you're a millennial like me, doesn't it feel like we've just gone through 8,000 “once-in-a-lifetime” things? But this is probably not the last big, heavy political or human rights thing that's going to need our attention. This is just going to keep happening. So let’s talk about it.

What We're Talking About (And Why It Matters)

For context, if you're hearing this after the fact, I'm speaking to the increasingly aggressive tactics of ICE in the United States, and the increasingly aggressive and manipulative tactics by our president and our government. Kidnappings and murders of innocent people. ICE facilities. All of this has been really heavy over the last several days.

It's been going on for a long time, but it got particularly loud this weekend after two fatal shootings by ICE in Minneapolis, Minnesota—Renee Good and Alex Pretti. It has completely taken over social media; which it should. Because people need to be speaking up about this.

And as mothers and business owners we have a unique experience here, and there are unique opportunities to show up and make a difference.

So today we're talking about:

  • What that experience might be like

  • How to talk to your kids about what's going on (depending on their age)

  • Ways that you can help

  • What you can do to take action

First Things First: You Have to Take Care of Your Nervous System

I want to acknowledge something really important: hearing about, witnessing, or experiencing really awful, heavy shit like this is hard. And when you're parenting, it's a balance.

Because you need to be able to care for yourself and resource yourself so that you can show up for your family. Your kids need you to be as regulated as possible so that their nervous systems can feel safe.

You're already likely holding a lot between your own healing work as a cycle-breaking mom, your parenting work, running your business, maybe holding space for clients. It doesn't leave a whole lot of space for resourcing.

So sometimes the solution is small things. Maybe that's avoiding certain news sources. I think in general, I personally practice and recommend really highly curating your social media feeds; unfollow, hide, or mute creators who are just feeding off of trauma responses and big hype, because that makes it extra hard.

But here's the thing: burying our head in the sand and just not looking at the news is not the vibe.

Especially as privileged individuals—and I'm speaking as a white, cisgendered, heterosexual woman who holds privilege—we can't look away. We have to be aware of what is going on, especially in our own country, in our own government…because this is serious shit.

How I'm Handling It

I'm honestly needing to be off of social media a lot. I go on occasionally to check in with clients and different things, and I have a few select people that I follow that I trust for news, but I'm actively looking at news websites that I trust. I personally like NPR for a pretty impartial version of what's going on.

You can choose what is helpful for you. But we do need to look. We do need to be aware of it. This is a time when we actually need to show up because this isn't just something happening outside in the world. Our government, our democracy is at risk here. Our children's future is at risk, and we need to do something.

Supporting Your Nervous System

All that to say: supporting your nervous system might be selectively choosing where you're getting information and maybe limiting it to a certain number of times a day. You know yourself best. You know your body best, and I'm going to trust you to decide what that looks like for you.

Being aware of it doesn't mean you have to be in it 24 hours a day.

It is okay to take a break and really focus on the presence in your family in front of you. You can have the both/and here, right?

Resource where you can. Maybe that is making sure you're getting enough sleep if you can (easier said than done as a mom, I know!) or drinking water. Maybe this is making sure you have support for everything you're holding. Talk to your coach, talk to a therapist, talk to a trusted friend. You're holding a lot.

And especially if you're holding these big feelings for clients, please, please, please reach out to somebody or get somebody in your corner that is holding space for you.

What You Can Do: Action Steps That Actually Matter

Now here are some things you can do; direct actions you can take even when you only have a few minutes of capacity:

1. Know Your Representatives (And Contact Them)

One thing I encourage everybody to do: get online and find out who your Congress people and House representatives are (here’s a really quick tool to do that!). Take 10-15 minutes and find out who they are, how they’re showing up about this and the topics you care about. We're going to need to get real familiar with them at this point.

Because how our government works is the House representatives and the senators in Congress are the ones voting on these policies right now. They really do need to hear from us, especially if they’re not already aligned with what's important to you.

Here's what to do:

Look at their websites. Look at their social media pages. If they're already being very public and loud about speaking up against setting huge limits or abolishing ICE, not approving additional funding for ICE, speaking up against the atrocious shit happening in our government—great. You can still reach out to encourage them.

But where this is extra important is if your representatives and senators are either staying silent, not talking about this, or especially if they are Republican and speaking in opposition to what you believe.

Your voice does matter. Everything adds up. It can feel like we're helpless and that your voice doesn't matter, but it does matter. If we all do a little something, it can add up to a big something.

I have to believe that these elected representatives really do care at least about getting reelected. If they're getting a large portion of their constituents sending them emails, sending phone calls saying "this is not okay, I need you to vote no, I need you to do this"—at some point they have to listen.

Make it easy on yourself:

I'm dropping links here  to tools that make this super simple:

If you call or leave a voicemail, I know it can feel scary and vulnerable, but it really does matter.

2. Donate Money (Even $5 Matters)

This is one of the huge reasons why my mission is to empower other women and help them build financial independence. There are so many freedoms that come when women build financial independence, and one of them is being able to create change with your money.

Here's the thing: I am very far right now from financially privileged in this journey of rebuilding. And I still donate to two different charities—$5 a month each. I know that's not a lot. That's what I have right now. I'd do more if I could.

One is for a local domestic violence shelter, and the other one I started this week to the National Immigration Law Center.

Why this matters:

In our country, the truth is that people with money get heard. We can't all be out there protesting and showing up at town halls and going to Washington to speak in front of representatives. But there are people whose calling is to do that—like the National Immigration Law Center or the ACLU. They're funding and showing up for court cases that support people who are affected directly by ICE, among other things.

And they need money to do their jobs and create change.

Think about how much money could go to create change if even half of our country gave $5. We have 300 million people in America. How much money would that be?

Even $5 can add up, and if you have capacity to give more, donate more.

A mindset shift: If you're not in a place where you have a lot of financial privilege right now, donating even a little bit can actually feel really good and abundant. 

When you're feeling in scarcity mode—whether you have on-paper financial privilege or not, maybe there's financial trauma involved—when you take the time to donate even $5 on a recurring basis and just be like "okay, I can do this, I can give, I have enough, I can share a little bit," it really helps over time to release that scarcity mindset.

I urge you to do that.

3. Peaceful Protest

Obviously, if you're in a city that has an ICE facility and going to protest feels aligned for you, peaceful protest is another way to make a stand. People identify with numbers. But that may not be within your risk safety level, and that's okay. Still worth mentioning.

How to Talk to Your Kids About Heavy World Events

Now let's talk about kids.

You might be wondering: Do I say anything to my kids? What do I say to my kids?

Obviously if you've got babies, there's nothing you need to do there. But let me break this down by age range.

Ages 3-9: Values, Emotional Regulation, and Critical Thinking

If you've got preschoolers up through maybe third or fourth grade (around age 9), here's what you need to know:

Biologically, kids this age cannot yet really process the finality of serious things like death. They understand the concept, but developmentally it comes around age nine when it can really be understood. They also have a hard time separating fantasy from reality and fiction from reality in that age frame.

So I would not recommend directly telling your children of this age that people were killed or murdered or kidnapped by our government.

But what you CAN be doing with kids in this age is using this as an opportunity to deepen conversations around your values. If you're not already doing this, start sprinkling conversations throughout your daily life.

Practical ways to do this:

  • Borrow books from the library on anti-racism, inclusion, empathy, etc.

  • Have conversations about those topics

  • Ask questions, get curious, encourage them

  • Model your values in your actions

Teach critical thinking skills:

This is good for their own growth, but in a political landscape like we have, developing emotional regulation and critical thinking skills are really important.

What I mean by critical thinking is things like: "We can go to the park today or we can stay home and play board games today. What do you think we should do?"

Offer them benefits and trade-offs. Teach them the skills to think critically.

For example: "If we go to the park, the benefits are we can maybe meet some new friends, we can get some exercise, that's really good for our bodies. Trade-offs: it's pretty cold, we might get some germs, we won't have time for this other thing. Option two: maybe we stay home and play board games. Benefits are we get to stay in where it's warm, maybe we can have whatever lunch we want. Trade-offs are we're not getting the outside time. What do you think we should do?"

Obviously as a parent, you're going to offer two choices that you're okay with them choosing either one. But this helps them feel like they have some control, and it sneakily teaches them critical thinking skills.

Use everyday moments:

Maybe they come home and talk about something that somebody said, like a kid being mean to another kid or something. Even if it's as simple as somebody calls somebody a name or somebody didn't include somebody in a game, you can ask: "Wow, what do you think about that?"

Just have a conversation; it's not a judgment thing. Give them the opportunity to think. "How did you handle that? What could you do next time?"

Those kinds of things over time encourage critical thinking skills. And why that's important is because right now—always, really…but especially now—the more prevalent the internet gets, the more prevalent AI gets, when we have a government that directly lies to its people, you have to use critical thinking skills to decide what is real and what is best for yourself and your family.

I think that is a huge portion of how we got here as a country—apparently half of our country cannot think critically and is just going along with whatever they've been told.

Emotional regulation is key:

Self-regulation, the ability to feel your big feelings, express them in a healthy way, and calm yourself down so that you can think and act logically—that is learned. Children are not supposed to know how to do that. They learn that skill from thousands of times of co-regulating with you or another trusted adult.

That means your job is to practice regulating yourself and holding yourself calm when they're having big emotions.

Model what happens when you get upset:

  • "Mom's feeling really frustrated right now. I'm going to take some big breaths."

  • "Mom's feeling really overstimulated right now. The noise is really loud and I'm feeling touched a lot and I'm just going to take a few big breaths."

Take big breaths with them. Teach them names of emotions. You can get books from the library on this or there are videos online. You can do dance parties when we're feeling big emotions, shaking that through our body—these are all helpful things.

Our children are going to have to hold a lot of heavy stuff as they get older. Learning how to emotionally regulate leads to healthy communication, healthy relationship skills, healthy leadership skills. These are all important things that will help them become more healthy and capable adults.

Ages 9-13: Having Direct Conversations

If your kids are maybe nine-ish (fourth grade) to middle school age (13-14), my guess is that they're probably hearing at least one friend talking about this stuff at school.

I know my nine-year-old came home months ago asking, "Hey mom, what's ICE? So-and-so said that they're kidnapping people or taking people or hurting people or killing people."

My middle schooler hasn't come home talking about it yet, but I'm sure it's going to come up.

At this age, I would not personally recommend giving them gory, graphic details. Especially if your kids are sensitive or neurodiverse (like mine are—we're all a little bit more prone to anxiety).

But they're also very curious, and they want to know what's going on in the world. If somebody talks about something at school and they have no clue what they're talking about, that doesn't feel good for them and it's confusing.

This is just like the sex conversation—it's an invitation to be sharing what you want your kids to learn about these topics and not relying on other kids at school to be teaching them these things.

What I said to my kids:

When my son came home and asked about ICE a couple of months ago, I gave him general information around what it is and confirmed some basic details about what he’d heard. I used it as an opportunity to reiterate what we believe, what our family values are, and how we should treat others.

My kids—because we've had lots of conversations around values and inclusion and anti-racism and feminism and anti-sexism (I'm a feminist woman and I have two boys who are growing to be white men someday…I take this responsibility very seriously)— already when I say things about what's happening, they'll be like, "That's not right. That's not good. That's not cool."

But I still reiterate:

"Our country was built on immigrants and immigration. The only people here whose ancestors are not immigrants are Native Americans/First Nations people. Our president, us…our families immigrated here not that long ago, just a few hundred years ago. So this is not right."

I explain immigration simply:

"Immigration just means somebody moving from living in one country to living in another country. All countries have a policy around how to do that. Generally, you get something called a visa—you have to apply for that—and generally you need to work or do something in that country to have that temporary permission. It's like a temporary permit. If you stay long enough and you have the visas, then you can apply for citizenship and become a citizen and live there permanently."

I explain that there are reasonable ways to look at this—making sure somebody has a proper visa, etc. But if you don't, the consequence should just be that you can't live here and they need to figure out the paperwork or reapply. You don't arrest them. You don't—they're not criminals. It's being taken out of proportion.

"But that's not how it's being done here, especially since Donald Trump has become president."

Deciding to tell them about Minneapolis:

I sat with what's been happening in Minneapolis for several days, trying to think: Do I say this to my kids? How do I share it with them?

I'm sure they've been feeling that I've been a little bit distracted and off. I've just shared that "mom's feeling a little overwhelmed right now."

But I did decide to sit them down and talk about it last night because they were both going back to school today, and I had a feeling at least my nine-year-old's classmate has been seeing or hearing things about this. And in middle school, they're really trying to teach them autonomy and critical thinking skills, including how to know what internet resources to trust.

So I chose to proactively have a conversation just to let them know this might come up and this is what's happening.

How I approached it:

I sat them down and said, "Hey, can I just talk for like 10 minutes?"

You know your children best, so whatever level you tell them, I trust you to know your children best. But especially as they get older in middle school and going into teenagers, they do want to know and they need to know what's happening at least on an age-appropriate scale.

I talked about what ICE was, what it was supposed to be, and how it has actually been showing up. I introduced the term "racially profiling"— which I described as assuming that someone with different color skin is doing something bad and treating them like criminals, not asking questions, maybe not even asking questions later, and doing some really bad things.

I also wanted to have conversations around the fact that this is unfortunately not new. People of color, especially Black humans, have had to deal with racial profiling forever here. That's not right, and sadly unfair treatment regardless of the color of your skin is still happening.

I decided to mention the shootings:

I said, "I think you're going to hear something about somebody being shot, so I want you to hear it from me first."

I said there were two people recently in Minnesota that were killed by ICE agents who were not doing any harm. There was a woman first, Renee, and then there was a man a few days later, Alex.

I was honest: "I don't know if it had to do with the fact that now he's male, if he's a white male, if that's why more people are talking about it. I don't know why." And my kids were like, "That doesn't make any sense. That's not how it should be."

But then I reassured them:

"In this moment, we are safe. The three of us are safe." Because a kid this age might understandably immediately go to, “is this going to happen to me?” And I want my kids to know that they are safe.

Now, unfortunately, there are families out there—and you might be one of those families—who can't say that to their kids. And I need those of you who are listening who are not in that boat, who are in my boat and can say "we are safe, we don't have to worry about this right now," to recognize that not every mother can say that. And it’s heartbreaking.

This is a privilege.

Imagine what mothers are going through who cannot say that to their kids, who instead have to protect their kids. I saw a news video of a mother who had four kids with really bad flu and had to choose who to take to the doctor at the hospital at 4 in the morning and leave the other ones at home. She took the oldest one because that's the one she felt was old enough to know what to do if they encountered an ICE agent.

She felt it was more unsafe to take her three younger kids (ages 3 to 9) to the hospital for treatment when they were really ill with the flu than to leave them home by themselves. Because of what is happening with ICE.

My heart hurts for families in that situation.

Show them what they can do:

I said, "Here's what we can do, and here's what mom is doing. Mom sent emails to our representatives saying that this is not okay."

We've had conversations little by little about how our government works, how voting works, how policies work. They know a little bit.

I also shared that I donated money to people who are helping. I give my kids money each week (I don't like to call it allowance, but it's similar). They have responsibilities and chores, but my goal is to teach them how to manage their money.

I've introduced the idea of donating some of their money in the past. We haven't really landed on something they're passionate about yet, but I reintroduced that topic: "This could be something that you can do to help. At 9 and 11, you can't vote yet. But what you can do is donate some of your money, even only a dollar. Imagine if every American donated a dollar to a charity that was making positive change in the world—that would be over 300 million dollars!"

My kids were like, "Whoa!"

I will say my kids have not yet gone and done it, but I'm introducing the topic and I'm going to bring it up again. I'm trying to encourage them: even at your age, this is what you can do.

Ages 13-18: Full Conversations and Empowering Action

If your kids are 13 to 18, and obviously the closer they get to adulthood, developmentally they're ready for the most part to hear the more full story and they want to know what's going on.

If they're in high school, they're going to hear about this stuff. If they're on social media, they've probably seen some stuff that is really heavy, or they have peers that are on social media.

Maybe they're even having conversations about this in school. Definitely they're able to handle some facts around what's happening, even if your kid is on the sensitive side.

At any age, try to have this conversation from a place of "here are the facts of what is happening. What do you think about this?" Rather than saying "this is bad, this is this, and we have to do this."

How to start the conversation:

If you've never had this conversation, maybe it's: "Hey, can we talk about something? Have you been hearing about or reading about anything from your friends or at school or online around ICE or immigration or anything else that feels really heavy and scary? Let's talk about it."

Hopefully they'll share with you. If they do, then you have a conversation. If they're like "no, I haven't," then you can say, "Okay, well I want to share with you what's happening because I think you're going to hear about it and you need to know about it. You're old enough to know that this is happening."

You're going to use your judgment on how much detail to go into.

Remember they're still developing:

Their nervous systems are still developing. Their brains are still developing. Our fully adult-developed brain doesn't finish developing until around 25. There's some evidence that for males it takes even a few more years, closer to 30.

So the ability to emotionally regulate is improving with age and practice, but at 13 to 18, they're still not adults yet. Even an 18-year-old who's about to enter the world as an adult—developmentally their nervous system and their brain are not where yours are yet. Just remember that they are still kids.

They're learning to exist outside of your family bubble. They're learning to exist in their own community of friends and people, maybe partners. They're forming and sharing their own opinions that may or may not align with yours.

Kids this age really want to do something to create change.

So that's a really great opportunity to ask what they'd like to do to help. They can't vote yet (unless they're 18), but they can donate some money. Maybe they can be vocal about it. Teenagers have such amazing ideas around things to do to change the world. They probably have ideas that I can't even think of right now.

Maybe it's reading books. Maybe it's on a small scale of how they treat or stand up for other people. Maybe your teenager is about to be able to vote or just turned 18, and you have a conversation around why it's really important, especially for young people.

Because a lot of them tend to think they don't have a voice and it doesn't matter and it's not that important. If your kid is turning 18 or just turned 18 this year—by November, if they're going to be 18—have conversations around voting.

"This is what you can do. This is how you do it. What questions do you have? What feels scary? What feels confusing? Let's talk."

Showing Up in Your Business When the World Feels Heavy

Whew. Okay. I know this is a lot.

Last thing I want to say is this:

If you're running a business right now—which you probably are if you're here—if a social media platform or more is a large arm of your marketing, it can feel extra scary right now of how to show up.

If you have the privilege:

Depending on your situation, if you have the freedom and the safety and privilege to be able to pause sales on your business and not even worry about that, just focus on your current clients, focus on activism work—even if it's little, even if it's just sharing and amplifying voices, if it's donating money, if it's just talking to your kids—that's beautiful. Do that.

But if you're like me:

If you're in a place where you don't yet or don't have that privilege, and you still need to be selling to make money to pay your bills because your immediate safety is also important—this isn't about hiding your head in the sand and just saying "I need to protect my peace and just not look at what's happening in the world."

I personally have concerns that there's a lot of overlap between World War II, Hitler, concentration camps, and what's happening with Trump, ICE, and the ICE facilities right now.

And this is a moment where—you know when you think, "What would I have done in that situation if I was around then? How could people have not said anything? How could people have not done anything?" We're in a fairly similar situation right now.

So here's my point:

You can't help other people and you can't create change if your immediate safety—your four walls of safety (housing, transportation, food, and utilities)—are not covered.

In my opinion, it is totally normal and okay to make sure you are prioritizing those four walls to ensure the safety—financial, emotional, and physical safety—of your immediate family, you and your kids.

That doesn't mean you're ignoring what's going on in the country. That means maybe your capacity for other things is lower. And if you're in that boat, you’re right along with me.

Maybe you're rebuilding. Maybe you're a single parent. Maybe you're working on leaving an abusive relationship. Who knows. Maybe your capacity to create change is just to be aware, to have these conversations with your kids, donate a little bit of money, figure out who your representatives are, and then focus on getting your four walls taken care of.

How to navigate social media right now:

It's hard to show up on social media and sell like you normally would because:

  1. It's heavy. Your heart is heavy. You don't have the capacity to create or share your work like you normally do because you're holding all this very heavy stuff.

  2. There are more people avoiding social media right now because it's so overwhelming.

I think this is an invitation to maybe balance it. Address it. Have this conversation: "Hey, this is happening in the world and I'm still running a business." Presence it.

Or consider this:

This is actually a really great argument for a marketing strategy that several of my clients and I are slowly implementing: pulling more of your marketing into an off-social-media, longer-form strategy.

Things like:

  • Blog posts

  • Email lists where you can communicate with your people directly without all the noise from social media

Those are slower to grow, but they grow exponentially once they get going. It can be a way to still stay in touch with your humans without being on social media a ton right now.

If you still need to sell, think outside the box:

If you're not there yet with off-platform marketing, that's okay. Think outside the box.

Use the clients you already have. If you have any clients right now, ask them for referrals. Just be like, "Hey, I have a spot that I need to fill. If you know anybody, I'd love it if you'd send them my way."

I personally offer a referral bonus—a thank-you to my clients or anybody that sends me a client that becomes a client. If they refer me a private coaching client, I give them $200 as a thank-you. This can be $50, it can be $100. I've done it in my podcast business and in this business.

That is a really under-talked-about way to bring in more clients and be able to resource your family when you don't have the capacity to be publicly posting a lot.

Reach out to your network:

Maybe it's not even your current clients. Maybe it's just friends or contacts you've made online. If they might know somebody that might be a good fit, send them a DM or a message: "Hey, I'm looking to fill this spot. Here's who I'm looking for. Do you know anybody?"

Other options:

Maybe you look on something like Upwork for a gig that you can do that will help you pay the bills in the short term so you can resource and show up for the change you want to create in the world and the business you want to create in the world (which helps you create change in the world).

If you have any sort of savings, maybe this feels good to use a little bit of that and give yourself some breathing room, take some pressure off. If you don't, that's okay too. Think outside the box.

If you need help strategizing:

If you have questions about this or you just want somebody outside of your head to help you think through it, send me a DM. We can chat through it or hop on a clarity call and talk through some things. Maybe we can think of one way to help you strategize how to bring in that next client or how to bridge the gap so that you can support that safety in your family this month and next month so that you can do all of these things we talked about.

I offer one free coaching call a week. It is super helpful—especially as a mother with a heavy mental load, especially with everything that's going on—to have somebody outside of your head to help you through these things.

Final Thoughts

That was a really heavy one. And I’m here for the conversation. If there is anything you want to talk about—anything we covered here—just send me a DM. I'm mostly on Instagram, but I also use Facebook Messenger.

If you're interested in booking that free call, just click here.

If there's anything you'd like me to go deeper into in another episode or blog post, let me know that as well.

No matter where you're at, I'm sending you lots of love. I think as women and as mothers, we can have a lot more impact than we think.

I hope this helped clarify some things that you can do to create at least a little bit of impact from your corner of the world.

If you want practical tools and support for building your business while navigating everything life throws at you, I've got you.

Get free access to my private podcast, The Rooted & Thriving™ Vault

Episodes on nervous system regulation tools, sales, boundaries, and real lessons from working with cycle-breaking moms like you.

 
 
Kim DiFillippo

https://bothandmotherhood.com
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